I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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