Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
