I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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