i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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