He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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