Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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