i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
