So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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