So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
