My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
