In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
