"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
