mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
