In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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