peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
