she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
