So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
