I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
