Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Drake has all the answers
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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