Betty ford says i'm here all night
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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