Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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