You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
