my vag is so smooth its legendary
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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