We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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