watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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