Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
