Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
