I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
