its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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