I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Can you bring me the toilet please
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
