I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
