I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
