Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
