I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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