I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
