Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
