I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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