I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
