i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize