How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
