Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
