I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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