you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
