I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
