My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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