There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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