I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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