i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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