What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
