Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
