I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So vagazzling was a success
I said "one day" and that day is not today
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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