A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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