i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
