I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dicks are not precious.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize