she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
