I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
