for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
