I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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