Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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