eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
