Small penises have feelings too.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
