Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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