I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
its liver damage thursday
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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