Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
