I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
