Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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