Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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